Lost 'Ai'
by Rebbi
Summary: [Oneshot] About Human Instrumentality Project, Shinji's choice and Shinji’s vision as he closes his hands around Asuka’s throat… Shinji POV


**Disclaimer:** Anno Hideaki-sensei and Gainax own NGE. I own nothing.

**Summary: **One-shot. What's the whole point of Human Instrumentality Project? Why does Shinji have to make the choice? Shinji's vision after the Third Impact as he closes his hands around Asuka's throat… Shinji POV

**Warning:** I think this is a bit angst, probably depressing? But I'm sure most EVA fans are very used to depressing themes. Also this is not beta-ed, so apologies in advance for any grammatical mistakes!

**A/N:** I just had my mid-year exams and I needed to rant, and this is the result (sweatdrop):

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**Lost 'Ai' -- ****失った、アイ****--**

_by Rebbi_

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It's over.

The earth is cracked and drained of water; the sky glinting with blood-red light. Nothing of this desert resembles the Tokyo-3 I knew; only the demolished skeleton of a hollow mirage is left.

And me.

Surges of pain run through my body as I attempt to move my limbs, but the pain is nothing compared to the state of my mind and soul. I'm torn. Mercilessly tortured and reduced to a pile of meaningless flesh. Alive, but at the same time, dead.

I tilt my head and glance around. But all I could see is darkness. No life, no color, no nothing. Crawling aimlessly, I could not cry, nor shout, nor bang my fists on the bleak ground. I could feel nothing.

I am stripped of hope.

I am an empty shell.

Did father foresee this? Did SEELE foresee what was coming? If so, is this what they wanted?

…_Shounen yo, Shinwa ni Nare…_

They called me the child of legend. They said my choice would decide the fate of humanity. They told me not to run away. And I believed them. I believed that everything would be all right if I didn't give up. I believed there would come a happy ending if I followed my heart. I believed…but reality failed my beliefs.

No one could see through the glorious veil of light they've wrapped around me. I'm just a weak boy, desperate for love and understanding. I cannot shoulder the future of mankind. The heavy responsibility overshadows my own being. I am suffocating. I am bleeding. I am alone.

Suddenly, a small figure comes into my sight. Red pilot suit. Long auburn hair. Bound in thin white strips of bandage. _Asuka!_

Her lifeless form is sprawling on the ground, but I can sense the presence of life. She's alive. I'm not alone anymore.

I gather the last bit of strength and crawl up to her, searching for reassurance and comfort. I want to touch her scared cheeks; I want to smell her long hair. I want to seek hope in her crystal blue eyes…

A pair of blood-red pupils stares back at me, absorbing my last drop of energy, wrenching my already mangled soul, consuming me. My world is surrounded by blood. Images of the mutilated Unit-02, the final destruction, the giant ghostly white figure of Rei flash inside my mind, driving me to insanity. I want to tear my head apart, I want to scream, I want those blood-red eyes to disappear.

A blurred face appears in my vision, becoming clearer and clearer. Long purple hair, soft smile, a cross pendant dangling on her chest – Misato.

'_When you've found your answers, come back to me. I'll be waiting for you.'_

But I can't find my answers. I'm confused! I'm scared! Where are you Misato-san? Don't, please don't leave me!

The image blurs again, melting into a swirl as another face immerges: Touji, an encouraging smile on his face.

'_If I find someone blaming you, I'll give him a good kick!'_

How could you forgive me, Touji? I've made so many people suffer, and you could still talk to me like a friend, like I'm normal. Everyone died because of me! I'm useless. I should be the one dead. I'm not worth your friendship…

Touji's features melt into another familiar face, Kaji-san smiles at me reassuringly.

'_That's why people try to know each other. That's why life's interesting.'_

You're wrong, Kaji-san. I just hurt or get hurt when I try to understand others. There's only pain.

Kaji-san's warm gaze changes into intense stares, penetrating me sharply –Father.

'_Are you running away again?'_

I'm a failure. I can never be as strong as you. I'm sorry, father. I'm sorry.

Father's face disappears into darkness, replaced by Ayanami's pale complexion, blue hair and red eyes.

'_Why are you crying?'_

I feel something wet and icy sliding down my cheeks. Am I crying?

Ayanami's emotionless face blurs yet again, transforming into…

'_Aishiteru, Shinji-kun.'_

NOOOOOOO! You lied! If you love me, why did you let me kill you? Why did you make me suffer so much? Kaworu…

Suddenly, something soft brushes my cold checks as a surge of warmth runs through my whole body, snapping me out of the horrid illusion. Asuka's fingertips caress my face gently, her half-closed eyes are blue, crystal clear. Then I realize that unconsciously, my hands have closed themselves around her throat, strangling her with all my remaining strength.

How ironical. We are just like Adam and Eve, alone in the twisted paradise.

The death and rebirth of humanity.

Is this the answer SEELE has been seeking? Is this the answer father has been seeking? Is this the answer humankind has been seeking?

Is this the answer I have been seeking?

Human Instrumentality Project. The conspiracy of God's audacious puppets agasint their own master.

Human is meant to be imperfect. Adam and Eve are meant to be exiled from Eden. An attempt to become one with God, to return to the paradise, is nothing but vain daydream. We are forever playing on the palm of God.

If this is truly Eden, I'd rather be exiled. I'd rather end the maddening quest.

_Let this all end._

I close my fingers even more fierce, nails digging into the vulnerable skin.

'Kimochi warui.'

Her voice is soft, weak, almost inaudible, but an invisible power shakes my whole being. Arching over her lifeless form, I start to tremble uncontrollably, tears streaming down my pathetic face. I cannot fight, I cannot rebel, I can only accept.

If there is a God, is he laughing at me now?

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'**_Aaaaarrrgggghhhh!'_**

-

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The End --オワリ--

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**A/N:** Phew! that last scream of Shinji's was more like from me xD

As I haven't seen _The End of Evangelion_ for a long time, I forgot some of the details, so sorry if I messed up anything. Please leave a **_review_** (even if it's only one line)! Criticism and corrections are of course welcome!

**Reference:**

(1)The title is kind of a play on word. 'Ai' (愛) in Japanese of course means love, but the pronunciation is the same as the English word 'I', so the title has the double meaning of 'Lost Love' and 'Lost Self'.

(2)'_Shounen yo, Shinwa ni Nare (__少年よ、神話になれ__)'_ is from the lyric of EVA's OP, 'Cruel Angel's thesis (残酷な天使のテーゼ)'. It means 'Young boy, become a Legend!'

(3)In the movie, Asuka's eyes did look red instead of blue at the end. That's why some fans were speculating the possibility of _that_ Asuka really being a combination of Rei, Asuka and Misato, but this theory was denied by Anno-sensei, so the red shading of Asuka's eyes may be just the reflection of the surrounding.

(4)'_Aishiteru, Shinji-kun.(愛してる、シンジくん)' _Means 'I love you, Shinji-kun'. A quote of Kaworu to Shinji.

(5)'_Kimochi warui.(気持悪い)' _The famous and controversial last line of the movie. It can either be interpreted as 'I'm sick/I don't feel well' or 'how disgusting'. The origin of this line is revealed on numerous websites as:

_A recent episode of a Japanese show dediated to animation described this final line and its original meaning. Initially the final line was written as 'I'll never let you kill me.', but Anno was dissatisfied with this. In the episode Asuka's seiyuu, Miyamura Yuuko, described what Anno told her he wasgoing for with this scene:_

'_Concerning the final line we adopted, I'm not sure whether I should say about it in fact. At last Anno asked me "Miyamura, just imagine you are sleepign in your bed and a stranger sneaks into your room. You can rape you anytime as you are asleep but he doesn't instead, he masturbates looking at you, when you wake up and know hwat he did to you. What do you think you would say?" I had been thinking he was a strange man but at the moment I felt disgusting. So I told him that I thought "Disgusting". And then he sighed and said, "I thought as much."'_

Hehe, Anno-sensei is so weird! There are several other explanations to the last line but this one's the most interesting. :D


End file.
